"My eyes opened and I realized I was resting on a soft bed. I was covered with a soft baby blue blanket. The birds chirped rhythmically, and the sunlight reflected from the window adjacent from the bed was hurting my eyes. I could easily tell the time of day was morning. I sat up looked around the bedroom, the walls were painted pink, the drawers and bookshelves standing opposite of the window were just as blue as the blanket that I had just pulled off. The room was unfamiliar to me. I wondered how I got here. I could not recall anything that occurred before this present point, nothing at all.
I got out of bed and there was a sound coming from the polished wooden floor. I looked down and saw a silver heart shaped pendant bonded with thin silver chains. I bent over and picked up the locket. It was the size of my thumb, and it shined like precious diamonds in the sunlight behind me. I turned the heart shaped locket and saw a small clasp. I opened the locket and saw a photo of a young woman on the left who seemed to be wearing a casual purple dress. Next to her on the right was a little girl, who wore similar clothing except that she wore pink instead of purple. Both of them had long black hair and they were smiling at each other. I glanced at the little girl again, and although the child seemed so cute, she also seemed very familiar. On the left side of the locket I saw a something printed on the silver metal. The upper left corners of the heart locket were two letters engraved 鈥淟.R鈥?printed on small letters and in the middle of the heart, there was date carved into the locket that said:
20
December
1995
The date on the locket caught my attention. I wondered why the date was even printed there. What happened on that day? Why was it so significant? Who does this locket belong to. There was a knock on the door, and I almost jumped in surprise when I heard it. I watched the door and remained alert, until seconds later, the door opened. The one who knocked on the door was a young woman, wearing a white dress and I also noticed a white apron she was wearing that seemed to blend in. Her rectangular glasses were crooked, it looks as if it were about to fall off her face. Her face was dirty, and her crimson hair looked as if it were never brushed for weeks perhaps months. Her emerald eyes came into contact with mine, and said to me in a somewhat timid voice.
鈥淥h, you鈥檙e awake鈥?br>
I continued to stare at her, and said nothing.
鈥淲hat鈥檚 your name?鈥?said the woman, smiling lightly 鈥淢y name is Solana Frosty.鈥?br>
Unfortunately I didn鈥檛 have an answer to that question. I felt pretty stupid not knowing my own name, so I remained silent and continued to gaze at her.
鈥淯m, you don鈥檛 talk much do you?鈥?said Solana, timidly. 鈥淢y daughter Aiyana found you in the forest out cold so we took you in our home and placed you in her room. Um鈥?. Are you feeling okay?鈥?br>
I nodded lightly.
鈥淚鈥檓 glad to hear it!鈥?said Solana, smiling brightly. 鈥淐ome downstairs, I made some breakfast. When you鈥檙e finished eating we can call your parents. How old are you by the way?鈥?br>
鈥淭-Tw-Twelve鈥?I answered a little unsure of myself.
鈥淥h that鈥檚 great!鈥?Said Solana insecurely, 鈥淎iyana is just about your age- Well, perhaps. She鈥檒l be turning twelve in a few days, so I鈥檓 sure you two would get along just fine. Now please come downstairs for some breakfast. I didn鈥檛 expect you to be awake at this time. After breakfast we鈥檒l call your parents, they must be worried sick about you. So we鈥檒l just let them know that you鈥檙e okay鈥?br>
Solana turned around and left. Seconds later, I got up off the floor, where I was sat, left the room and went down the stairs. After I reached the first floor, I heard a voice calling to me.
鈥淗ey, come over here! Come in the kitchen鈥?br>
I turned to where the voice was coming from. It was Solana and another girl who had long scarlet hair just like Solana鈥檚 in a kitchen. I walked inside the kitchen where the girl sat at a circular wooden table that was near a corner of the kitchen. The table had a large plate with a layer of pancakes on a plate and a bottle of maple syrup sitting there. I gagged at the odor of burnt food. The sink next to me was piled with dirty dishes. There were shards of broken glass on the white tile floors. I almost stepped on them, while I was still barefoot. Solana was near an oven holding a silver metal spatula, jumping and shrieking hysterically trying to put out the flames that bloomed from the stove just a second ago. I sat at the table where the girl sat. I gazed at her for a moment. The girl looked back at me and grinned.
鈥淥h hello,鈥?She said quickly, 鈥淒on鈥檛 mind my Mom, she鈥檚 very clumsy when it comes to housekeeping. As you can see, she鈥檚 not always the best cook. Although she鈥檚 very clumsy and careless, she has her moments. She鈥檚 only like this when she鈥檚 stressed out. It鈥檚 very typical for adults. Oh, I鈥檓 so sorry, I forgot to introduce myself. I鈥檓 Aiyana.鈥?br>
Aiyana reached out her right hand towards me.
I looked at her hand. I wondered what she made that gesture for. I continued to stare at it.
鈥淲hat鈥檚 your name鈥?She asked.
My eyes were drawn from her hand to her face. It鈥檚 that question again. I was gnawing my bottom lip, trying hard to remember, but it was impossible. I gave Aiyana a light shrug. Aiyana frowned.
鈥淚 tried asking her the same thing,鈥?said Solana finally finished extinguishing the flames on the stove, 鈥渂ut she wouldn鈥檛 tell me. She must be shy, let鈥檚 give her some time to relax a bit. Aiyana pumpkin, go to the living room and find the phone. I think it鈥檚 time we call her parents.鈥?br>
Aiyana looked at her mother and nodded. She got up off her chair and left the kitchen. Now my attention is drawn to Solana, who smiled at me, placed some pancakes on the plate in front of me and said,
鈥淧lease eat some pancakes, they鈥檙e really tasty. I don鈥檛 want you to go hungry. I鈥檒l give you a fork and a glass of orange juice.鈥?br>
Solana handed me a silver metal fork. She also grasped the bottle of maple syrup and poured its sticky brown contents on the plate of pancakes. I looked down to examine them.
鈥淗mm,鈥?said Solana. 鈥淚t seems that you have never tasted pancakes before. Just cut a piece off and eat it.鈥?br>
I looked up at Solana once more, remembering what Aiyana told me earlier, that she isn鈥檛 always the best cook. I assumed that these pancakes of hers would not taste very pleasant. I thought of Solana as a very kind person and the last thing I wanted to do is offend her. With my assumption set aside, I grabbed the fork. I cut off a piece of the pancake and placed it into my open mouth. I chewed slowly. The food was soft and tasted sugary. While eating it I had this pleasant feeling, I assumed that the pancakes would taste horrible, but it was the opposite. I looked up at Solana again and smiled. Solana smiled back at me.
鈥淚鈥檓 glad you like it鈥?She said sweetly. 鈥淲ould you like some orange juice? You鈥檒l like this one, very natural.
Solana went to the refrigerator at the other side of the kitchen. She opened the door on the right. Reached in and pulled out a pitcher of some kind of yellowish substance, then she closed the door and placed the pitcher on the counter. She reached for the cupboard next to refrigerator for a clear glass cup. She took a cup from the cupboard and placed it on the counter as well. She poured the orange juice from the pitcher into the glass cup, and handed it to me. I looked into the cup of orange juice and saw something lumpy, there seems to be some foreign material inside.
鈥淥h don鈥檛 worry about the stuff in there,鈥?said Solana sweetly 鈥淭hat鈥檚 just the pulp, dear. It鈥檚 natural orange juice. The pulp happens to be very healthy. Go on just drink it!鈥?br>
I took a small sip of orange juice. Despite the uncomfortable pulp rushing into my lips, it tasted pretty good.
Aiyana has just arrived in the kitchen holding a white cordless phone and handed it to me. I looked down at the phone, then who looked up at Solana, who nodded. I looked down at the phone again and pushed the green call button. There was a loud dial tone. I remained still trying to decide what button to press. The left side of my head ached. Random thoughts swirled into my head. I shut off the phone and placed it on the table. Aiyana and Solana exchanged looks, and then looked at me again.
鈥淓rm鈥︹€?said Solana nervously, 鈥淵ou don鈥檛 know your parents鈥?phone number?鈥?br> I shook my head lightly. Solana frowned.
鈥淯m鈥?okay鈥?she said, 鈥淲hat about parent last name?鈥?br>
I shrugged. Solana sighed.
鈥淲ow,鈥?said Aiyana, quickly, 鈥測ou must not remember anything at all. Mom, I think she has amnesia鈥?br>
I looked down at my feet and sighed. My entire face contracted and I clenched my fists firmly as if I was squeezing something. I took three slow deep breaths. Solana kneeled down next to me. I looked at her then she smiled sweetly.
鈥淥h, No worries,鈥?She said kindheartedly, 鈥測ou will get you memories back soon. You can stay with us if you鈥檇 like, if it鈥檚 okay with Aiyana, you can sleep in her room. Aiyana, take this girl to the office upstairs. You are going to the missing child registry. You are not to go on any other site. We are doing this to help her find her parents and pick up any information about her., not shop for 鈥渃ute boys鈥?on the internet. Do I make myself clear, young lady?鈥?br> Aiyana鈥檚 face turned red.
鈥淚 do NOT look at boys.鈥?She shouted, in an astounded tone 鈥淯gh, oh whatever.鈥?br>
Aiyana turned around and quickly left the kitchen. Then suddenly she stopped and turned to look at me.
鈥淲ell?鈥?she said, 鈥淎re you coming?鈥?br>
I got up and followed Aiyana up the stairs and into a hallway. We stopped at a door that was right next to Aiyana鈥檚 room. She opened it, and hit the switch, which caused the light to turn on. I felt slightly uncomfortable when I saw the room. The office was even messier than the kitchen. There were open books, open folders, and loose papers, most of them flying around in random directions on the floor. The desk was cluttered with papers. The black chair seemed to have fallen over, with its back to the floor. The file cabinet in the very back of the room had all of its drawers open and it also seem to have tipped over. The fan on the ceiling was twirling at a rapid pace. If it wasn鈥檛 swinging and rocking so violently, it would have spun a little bit faster.
Aiyana was the first person to enter the office. She walked to the desk and pushed away some papers resting on it. Under the papers was a small black square, which had the logo 鈥淚n-Tech鈥?printed on it. She opened it. She also found some cords on the floor, and connected them to the machine. I walked into the office and sat on the floor. Aiyana looked at me and laughed.
鈥淒on鈥檛 mind this room either,鈥?she said, 鈥淢y mom is a journalist. A much respected one I might add. She鈥檚 a very messy person, as you can see. She鈥檇 clean the place up if she weren鈥檛 too busy with her deadlines, and her stories. She鈥檇 hire a maid to clean from time to time.鈥?br>
It took several minutes to set up the machine. She placed the chair into its proper position. She turned it on the machine, and turned to me once more.
鈥淕o on鈥?she said sweetly, 鈥淪it down.
I got up off the floor and sat on the chair. The machine Aiyana was setting up was actually a laptop computer. We finally reached the website, childregistry.gov. The arrow on the screen moved around slowly until it stopped on a link that said 鈥淢issing children鈥?that was written in bold letters.
鈥淪o,鈥?said Aiyana nervously. 鈥淒o you know how to use a laptop? It鈥檚 simple.鈥?br>
She pointed to the buttons on the bottom of the machine. There were several buttons there, too many to count. The letters on the keyboard were not systematized correctly. It seemed to be arranged in some random order. Aiyana pointed to a black ball, buried into the machine along with two buttons.
鈥淥kay, this is simple,鈥?said Aiyana quickly 鈥測ou see how I moved the arrow around the screen?鈥?br>
The arrow on the screen moved sideways. Then it went back to the words 鈥楳issing Children鈥? I looked back down onto the keys, and saw Aiyana鈥檚 fingers, that touched a black ball.
鈥淚f you want to move the arrow, do this,鈥?she continued, then one of her fingers was rolling the little ball in circles. 鈥淭hen if you want to go somewhere click- uh鈥?I mean鈥?take the arrow and do this鈥?She pushed the second of the two buttons at the bottom of the ball. 鈥淏ut you can click on every word on the page, but you can only click on something if the arrow turns into a hand. Understand?鈥?br>
I nodded, and understood very well what she just said. The page then completely changed into something different. This time there were pictures of children鈥檚 faces. Some of them smiling, and the rest of them were showing an empty expression.
鈥淥kay, if you really don鈥檛 know your name,鈥?Aiyana went on, 鈥淵ou see these pictures, here? If you can find a picture with your face on it, then you click on that picture so you can find more information on this person, even the name, age, where he or she is from, and how long ago the child is missing. I鈥檇 love to help you, but look at the time. I鈥檓 going to be late for school鈥?br> She pointed to something on the bottom right corner of the screen. It said 8:09 A.M. I knew what to do, so I smiled at her. Aiyana seemed to understand that her assistance here was not needed so she turned around and left the office, then suddenly she came back.
鈥淲ait,鈥?she said, who seemed to have just remembered something. 鈥淲ait here, I鈥檒l be right back鈥?br>
She walked off. Now my focused was now turned to the computer. I looked down and placed my fingers on that little ball that Aiyana was using to move the arrow on the screen. I slid the arrows to a row of four pictures, all of them dark skinned. I raised my free hand in front of me to examine it to see if I have the same skin tone as those children on the page have, but it wasn鈥檛 even close to the same. The second girl also had dark skin, she wasn鈥檛 smiling, but she appeared to have several scabs on her face, which was one of the features that interest me. I looked at her lip that appeared to be split in two and it was also covered in blood.
鈥淚 told you I wouldn鈥檛 be gone long鈥?a voice called out of nowhere.
I turned to the entrance of the office and saw Aiyana there, holding two items. She entered the room and placed the items on the desk next to me. One of them was the silver heart-shaped locket I had earlier, and admittedly I had forgotten all about it. The second item was a magenta framed mirror.
鈥淚鈥檓 sure these will help you,鈥?said Aiyana 鈥淭his necklace, I found this. I think this is yours. The little girl in the picture does resemble you very well. I also brought this mirror, just in case if you can鈥檛 remember your face, you can always look in this mirror. Well, I have to go get dressed. Good luck!鈥?br>
I nodded once more. Aiyana turned around and left. I looked into the mirror sitting on the desk, and saw a girl with a pale face and was showing a blank expression. She had long, glossy black hair, long enough for the ends to reach the shoulders. I memorized the face in the mirror and continued my search. After fifteen minutes, I did not find anything. There were sixteen pages in all and I had already reached the sixth page. My fist clenched tightly. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths to remove the strain that鈥檚 been in my head since I started the search. Finally feeling at ease, I continued on.
It鈥檚 been exactly 42 minutes since the search began. My head collapsed on top of the keys. I was on the thirteenth page. I made a deep sigh, and I considered forfeiting the search entirely.
鈥淎ny luck finding anything?鈥?asked the unexpected voice coming from the entrance.
I turned to the direction of the voice and lifted my head. There was Solana standing at the door, who鈥檚 clothing looked professional. Her hair was pulled back into a bun and she was carrying a black leather suitcase. Her outfit looked surprisingly neater than the clothes she had on earlier this morning.
鈥淒id you find anything yet?鈥?She asked.
鈥淣o.鈥?br>
鈥淜eep trying,鈥?Said Solana encouragingly, 鈥淚鈥檓 sure you鈥檒l find something. Anyways, I鈥檓 going to drive Aiyana to school. Then I have to go to a business meeting at work. I鈥檒l be back in about an hour. So if you鈥檙e hungry, help yourself to anything in the fridge. I鈥檒l be back soon鈥?br>
It鈥檚 been approximately sixteen minutes since Solana had left. I reached the final page of the registry and I have not found anything. I was finally able to conclude that I was not on the Missing child Registry. I could have checked again, but didn鈥檛 feel much like going on the computer again. My eyes were getting heavy and I have been yawning relentlessly for the past hour. Looking around for something to occupy myself became very difficult, if not impossible. I got up off my chair and paced around the room. Until I noticed the file cabinet in a corner, leaning forward with all three drawers open. I hoisted the cabinet into its erect position. I closed the top two drawers, the filing cabinet wont tip over again. I took a seat on the floor in front of the last drawer that remains opened and saw a pile of newspapers. What caught my interest right away was a yellow newspaper buried in the pile with the headlines 鈥淲ANTED ALIVE鈥?printed on the top of the page in large letterings. I grabbed the paper out of the drawer and examined it further. It smelled like coffee. The newspaper was dry and yellow and some of the text was either worn out or was washed away by some kind of liquid substance. I also noticed the snapshot of a girl in the middle of the page. Half of her face was covered in coffee stains, making it difficult for me to see her in detail. But for some reason, I felt as if I鈥檝e seen this girl before. A gut feeling inside of me is telling me to take this paper and read it. I got to my feet with the paper in hand, took the locket and the mirror and left the office. I went back into Aiyana鈥檚 room and rested on the bed. I examined the old newspaper once more, and realized that I had without doubt had seen this girl before, and I had a feeling where. I took the locket, opened it and to my surprise, the photo on the locket and the other on the newspaper were a perfect match. I placed the locket on the floor and started to read the front page.
picture here
WANTED: ALIVE
Grendel Police are on the search for this 7yrd old girl by the name of Lily Rosewood, who was last seen with escaped convict 31yr old Paul Keating, who was arrested for kidnapping the girl and exploiting her supernatural abilities to commit heinious crimes. One of them was the recent massacre in the mall where 31 people died and 4 people were left in a coma, and 17 people, all of them seriously injured.
Police arrested Keating, at his home outside Grendel, and found the child sleeping upstairs. He was charged with one count of kidnapping, one count of contributing to the delinquency of a minor and 31 counts of first degree murder. He is awaiting trial as we speak. The child however was sent to Caring bears home, a children's home funded by the city and supported by the citizens donations. Any one who is seen this child please call local police.
The bottom of the article seems to be torn off. There seems to be more to this article, I thought. I had just noticed the Letters L and R, the same letters carved on the locket. The two letters had long spaces in between them, possibly because the coffee stain covered some of the text, making the ink spread and the paper difficult to read. A natural feeling inside of me is telling me to keep this paper and this must be an important clue to my past. I got to my feet and left the newspaper sitting on the bed. I grabbed my necklace and secured it around my neck. I left the room and went back into the office to search for the missing piece of the paper. After a few minutes of searching nearly all over of the office, there weren鈥檛 any old yellow pieces of newspaper.
* 1 week ago
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Additional Details
1 week ago
PLEASE DON'T JUST SAY YOU LIKE IT, PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU LIKED ABOUT IT AND HOW YOU THINK I SHOULD IMPROVE. iF YOU ALL LIKE IT PLEASE STAR IT.
Writers please rate my story it's chapter one. I promise youll love it. If you do please star it?
You have a very interesting beginning for the story and the potential for it to go quite well. I like the description of what the main character sees, etc.
Areas to work on:
Try to avoid using repeated pronouns as the subject so often. This is difficult when you write a story in first person like you have, but still, it gets annoying to the reader to repeat words. Try rewording the sentence to avoid beginning it with "I" or "she" always.
Your sentences get choppy at times. By that I mean short followed by another 2 or 3 shorts. Use more sentence variety. Maybe one would be a longer sentence where you would use connecting words like "therefore", "however", "as well as" etc. and then the following sentence would be shorter for making a quick point and emphasis.
Make sure your first sentence hooks the reader to want to read the 2nd and so forth throughout the first few paragraphs. Once they're hooked, it's a lot easier usually. When I write [which I do constantly] I usually spend more than half the time of the first chapter solely on the first paragraph.
Last item, your speech is not quite natural. Spell out the conversations as you would say them, and then write them down with a little less perfect grammar if necessary or whatever reflection you wish to use of the speaker's accent or dialect.
Overall, I applaud you for beginning an overall excellent job. I enjoyed reading the story and look forward to continuing to watch its progress. With only a little editting here and there, I see wonderful potential for it. GREAT JOB!
PS Don't look at it as a bad thing for editing. I've written many works now and always I have to go back and edit/change/alter/re-word and sometimes even completely re-do an entire section before it becomes perfect. It's all part of the process. You really are doing a great job!
Writers please rate my story it's chapter one. I promise youll love it. If you do please star it?
OMGSH How old are you because that story was AWSOME!!
I think you should put some more UMPH into it though i think that it could also use some more detail in this chapter also it would be great if you made the chapter a bit longer I mean how many pages would that fill up if your were to publish the book 4 pages i like chapters to be long but that may just be me Be sure to email me @ niyaqueen123@yahoo.com if your bookk gets published cuz i would defiently read it.
Good luck and happy reading
Writers please rate my story it's chapter one. I promise youll love it. If you do please star it?
Very good story. Watch your tenses as in the paragraph that starts "it's been approximately" Also I would change approximately to about as it fits the child's age and voice better. Only one other thing. Change "anyone who is seen this child" to "anyone who has seen this child"
I would like to read the rest f the story but you should not ask for an email from people you don't know. It is not safe. Why don't you consider posting it on a site like www.helium.com. It is a site where anyone can post their writing.
I hope to see it in a book someday! You have a very talented way of writing!
Writers please rate my story it's chapter one. I promise youll love it. If you do please star it?
u dont need to, its great, just please, please, PLEASE write more and post it as a quetion on YAHOO! Answers
PLEASE! 5 stars out of 5 or 10 out of 10!!!!!
just watch your tenses, though.
Writers please rate my story it's chapter one. I promise youll love it. If you do please star it?
i love it,
i think something more should happen in the bigining
10/10!!!
Writers please rate my story it's chapter one. I promise youll love it. If you do please star it?
hey that story is awesome! it wasn't what i was expecting at all but i liked it. your punctuation could use a little work but otherwise it was WAY good!
Writers please rate my story it's chapter one. I promise youll love it. If you do please star it?
It's awesome. I like it because it was very descriptive and clear. I could see a movie playing in my mind. I like it! (Great job!)
MollyWobblesSrz
Writers please rate my story it's chapter one. I promise youll love it. If you do please star it?
Well spoken. It does seem though at times it gets to the corny point. I am a very particular person about this type of thing but you must make sure you don't make it SUPER corny.
Content wise I would either bump the age up or down because that age is too commonly found. I just found it moderately corny at times. A 12 year old girl who has amnesia just sounds familiar.
Technically it could use some work. Be VERY careful about switching from the past to present tense, some punctuation could be fixed, and other small grammatical related things
Overall it was wonderful. If you have more I would love for you to send me and e-mail at
tahoeice_52@yahoo.com
Well done. It is aimed in a good direction
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