So, I'm married. My husband has a child from his previous relationship. A child who's life I've been in since she was 6months old. For the better part of her life she's stayed with her dad. Her mom is what you would call a dead beat. (as in wasnever there can't stay in her life for longer than a month or so at a time even her own family says she tryflin'. So I would like to say lately but its been on and off now for about years but its gotten worse the last few years. Her attitude about me has been on the decline for some time now. And to be honest, my attitude about her isn't the best either. My husband and I have four other children together. 1 boy, 3 girls. All 7 of us stay in one house. My dilema is about her attitude about how she interacts with me which until a few years ago I would take to an extent because she is a child. In no way has she been rude, but she is slick to a fault. And of course my husband doesn't see this except when she does it to him. I've had her recently her be mean to the other kids as well as start going thru my personal things even thoughI've told her numerous times to not go thru my things simply because I would not go thru hers. She's made it clear that she doesn't want anything from me, ex for he birthday 4 years ago I bought her a winter wardrobe I found out not only did she no wear any of the things I bought but she gave most of the pieces away. Also insted of letting me do her hair she would rather walk around with it not combed because she wants her mother or sister or anyone else but me to do it. At first I was hurt then upset but soon afetr I decided that it she doesn;t want anything from me then I won't get it or offer. Once shw realized that everyone was getting new things and she wasn't she tried to raise a stink but her father actually backed me up and checked her on it. Now here in the last couple of weeks she's been gettig things without asking and I've been told by my boy that sh'es actually called me a ***** when I've corrected her about something. She's always telling anyone who will listen that she can't wait till her mother comes to get her so she can live with her. But her mother and my husband already talked and decided against it. They've told her this but she doesn't care she just keeps it up. I'm at my wits end with her If she's like this now what's gonna happen in another year or so when she thinks she's really grown. And personally my husband and I are already at a strained point in aour relationship this thing with my pre-teen is about to be a deal breaker because I'm not going to put my hand on her even though she tempting me to. Any suggestions before I ask my husband and my daughter to get ta stepping.
Trouble with a pre-teen thats not mine?
Oof - sounds like you guys are living in Tension City. Sorry you're going through this, especially with other kids to care for.
Here's the thing - you know your SD is reacting to not feeling loved, right? Yes, you try to be nice to her, but look at this - she knows Mom is a mess, even if she can't articulate it. She's doing what people do when they hurt - especially if they don't know why they hurt - she's taking it out on people around her. At her age, she lacks the life experience to understand all of what's going on, but on some level, she knows that (1) Mom's messed up and even if she says she loves me, her behavior doesn't really show it and (2) if she throws a tantrum, she gets attention, even if it's negative, and sometimes her own way.
Have you considered family counseling? There are affordable sources of family counseling in almost every community, through churches, the count, etc. At the least, a good counselor could give you some ideas on how to make things work out.
Pre-teens don't have a lot of self control yet, and their hormones are hijacking them, so add that to the stress she already has, and you're just about guaranteed a mess. You can't replace her Mom, of course, but you can aim for "older friend." Don't let her moods hijack yours. When she throws tantrums, ignore her if you can - don't give her any emotional feedback that might prolong it. Just say, "I'm disappointed, "her name." That was beneath you. Go calm down, then if you want to talk about it, I'll be here."
Mom and her Dad discussed where she'd live and Mom, from this girl's perspective, doesn't want her, or doesn't want her enough to straighten up her act. Feeling unwanted - which you're not responsible for, but there it is - doesn't help.
She needs to know that there's some stability in her life, and it looks like you and your husband are elected - but you don't have to let her treat you any way she feels like. Thing is, you're going to have to be Super Adult - very calm, very mature, refusing to get sucked into the drama. Where else is she going to learn it? If she can't get a rise out of you, eventually she'll have to calm down, if only because she'll know that's the only way she's going to be heard.
At some point, it ceases to be fun to harrass someone who won't play the "get mad" game with you, and a relentless tide of affection is hard to stand up to. When we're the least loveable is when we need love the most. Have you considered asking her to help you with the kids? I know, counter-intuitive, and she may say "no" the first 100 times, but she needs to feel needed, valued, wanted, useful.
Ditto with Dad, who needs to ask her to help him, and show appreciation if she does. Basically, any time she does ANYTHING admirable, make it clear that you see and appreciate. My mom used to say, "If you want someone to do something, make it easy for him to do that, and hard for him to do anything else."
It'll take a whole lot of patience, but it's probably your best bet for family harmony. Good luck!
Trouble with a pre-teen thats not mine?
THIS IS WAY TOO LONG TO READ
Trouble with a pre-teen thats not mine?
wow
i read and essays in my writing class and books and stuff
but now i find them on yahoo, wat is happening
well, YOU PPL ARE WHITE, THATS WHAT HAPPENS WITH WHITE PEOPLE
YOU DONT give ur kids beatings thats what happens
Trouble with a pre-teen thats not mine?
im sorry i fell asleep reading this long a.s.s question!!
Trouble with a pre-teen thats not mine?
This is really your husband's problem, not yours. He has to discipline this child. Start keeping records: what, when, where, etc. Tell him that you cannot tolerate it anymore and he needs to step or she will have to go.
Trouble with a pre-teen thats not mine?
i would look into family counseling
Trouble with a pre-teen thats not mine?
if she is bothering you this much it is clear that you care, so for starters it is an extremly bad idea to leave them, dont make yourself un-happier that you already are. probably the best course of action is to ask your husband to help you, sit down with her and tell her exactly how you feel, you want to be her mother, but you arent sure how, ask her what you can do better to try and work it out, and be sure not to let anyone leave until you actaully get somewhere. when you do this make sure it is not confilcting with any of her personal stuff because you do not want her to start off angry, but definitly have a talk, and get her to express her ideas, if you want to get her stuff, take her shopping, give her some control, its what she wants. dont let her play you.
Trouble with a pre-teen thats not mine?
to start off i would like to say i am anything but a parent being only a teen myself, but when my parents and i have a fight we usualy wait until we cool off b4 talking. then maybe if you try to go shopping with just her and let her pick out a few things that she will wear and that you approve and try explaining how you feel when she is rude to you. and if she is willing to you 2 may become very close friends!!
Trouble with a pre-teen thats not mine?
Just think this is just "pre" teen. She's probably starting to check her boundaries as she gets older and things may get worse as the teen years continue. On the bright side if you continue to show love and support with some discipline to boot, she'll come out of those teen age years as a well rounded adult. She'll also probably have a great deal of respect and love for the "mom" who raised her.
Trouble with a pre-teen thats not mine?
she is a child and if you love her then all that "mess" comes along with the territory. You are the WOMAN, don't let the situation break you. I don't know of one teen or pre teen that doesnt go thru this unruly state you are speaking of. If she isnt causing harm to you or your children, ignore her. She is only cheating herself. Once she realizes this, she will come around or turn the age of majority first; then you can tell her to "step" but right now guide her, be there for her if she decides to come to you (if not, that is on her) and ignore the dumb 5hit. Good luck
Trouble with a pre-teen thats not mine?
boy i can relate to that.. the problems sounds like she is attacking you because of the lost she feels for her mother..she is at the age now, that all young girls go threw, but without her mother, she is feeling alone, jealousy and hurt, very hurt..i had a step son and we went threw the same thing..what you might be able to do, is realize that it has nothing to do with you, and she knows that you are not her mother..daddy needs to step in and remind her that you and him are there for her, and that she isn't to treat you or anyone in the household like that..he may feel bad for her, because of the lost of the mother thing..but you could sit her down and explain to her that you understand and know that you are not her mother..but that you are there for her, when she needs you..it sounds like you may be trying to hard..daddy really needs to step up and take charge of this..if he doesn't he is sending signals to her that it is ok to disrepect you and the others..she could probally use some counsling..maybe all of you could help her get threw this..she is really hurting inside..her mother sounds like she needs so counseling also..but i doubt she will..but to be perfectly honest with you..please don't correct her, this really isn't your place.wait tell dad gets home, tell him what is going on..and tell him that this is his responiablity..not yours..all you can do is be a freind to her, not her mother..just be patient, and tell her that you do care and love her..maybe you both could go and do something together, like going out to dinner and just sharing thoughts with each..i tried being a mother, and it just wasn't go to fly..but years later he has more respect for me and we get along better..blessings
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